Hmm so here I am… sitting in front of my computer at 1:35a because I can’t seem to fall asleep. I climb over the cute blonde laying next to me to grab my phone, only to see that I gotta write this goddamn bio for some reason (I never REALLY listen when it involves me doing non pussy related shit) So here it is… My super awesome life, it’s cool if you’re a little jelly. Plus, it will get my boss off my ass to finally get this done lol.
I have lived quite the exciting life. Well I should say my life has become exciting over the recent years. You see my story is one of Intrigue and Espionage and gunfire….okay maybe not all that BUT I did hear all that stuff in the next aisle over for a large part of my life! Let me explain.
I was born to a rich family…a long lineage of powerful stuffed bears. My father, who is now retired in Ft Lauderdale, was best known for telling stories to children. My Mother was a TV star appearing in the background of many shows you might recall from your youth . She would sit down on the shelf or the bed of all your favorite characters. Anyway…they had me and my brothers, I’m the youngest of 3 and was always looked at as the baby of the family which was fine because I always enjoyed the attention. Me and my brothers went to the same high school but after graduation..welll things got a little interesting.
You see…My Oldest brother was always trying to be funny. Telling lame ass jokes and had this dumb ass catch phrase that I REFUSE to repeat. I guess one night he got a gig at a comedy club and met some frog and a pig and then the next thing you know my mom is on the phone…OMG YOUR BROTHER’S GUNNA BE IN A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE!!!! So of course that was the talk of the family for like ever. And ok to give him his props it was a pretty successful 80’s kids film..w/e.
My other brother however… He was always a little… Off. Let me say that I love my brother, but he is weird. He got a rainbow tattoo’d on his damn stomach and died his fur purple, walking around always hugging people and shit. Telling anyone who will listen that he “loves” them. Total wack job right? Every damn christmas he tells me that I need to be a more “caring” bear like him. I usually respond with “ Fuck off and Merry Christmas”… It’s just how I roll.
So I go off to college and get way into partying. I stopped going to class etc. Long story short I end up in the middle of a shopping mall with my dick out, a machette in my paw, and a face full of blow yelling at the cops and telling my brothers lame ass jokes…..so then I go to rehab for like 6 months. Well I had 6 months to be pretty pissed off at my folks so I did what all stuffed bears who have no other options left do. I went and became a department store bear.
I suppose its how those hookers in Amsterdam feel, you know the ones who stand in the window all day. People walk by constantly, because this shit was 24 hrs. Kids grab you and sneeze on you, then they drop you on the floor….but here is the killer part..YOUR STRAPPED IN A GODDAMN BOX AND CAN’T PUT YOURSELF BACK!!! So you have to wait for some slacker kid to pick you up and put you back… miserable I tell you.
So I do this for a few months and luckily I don’t end up in some kids toy box somewhere…no I had a different path to follow. One day I am greeted by a guy with a beard… normal looking 24 yr old which made me wonder why the fuck he was in my aisle. When you are as bored as I was on a daily basis the only thing you have is your imagination to keep you sane, so I see this dude and of course all kinds of things went through my head.
Was he gunna try to fuck me (happens way more often then you’d care to think about! Dr. Drew should do Stuffed Bear Rehab, a lot of fucked up peers I tell you) or maybe I was going be used as bait for some kid to get into a windowless van? Whatever my fate I had to clear my mind and focus on my bear-ly duty. The more I looked at this guy who seemed to be wandering aimlessly searching for fuck knows what…the more I became 99% positive that I was gunna be a gift for some snot nosed kid.
So this guy buys me and tosses me in his car where I sit for a few days. Then it happens…
He takes me out of the store shopping bag…breaks me free from my shackles and lays me on a bed…where I meet a blonde with the biggest set of tits you have ever seen on a tiny chick like her. Here I am hoping to whoever might be listening to a lost little bear soul like me that she would be taking me home…but…this was so much better! She grabs me and slams my head between her boobs and then proceeds to hump me like a raged lunatic until she cums!
I was in shock…and sticky…but it was the best thing to ever happen to me. And that didn’t just happen once….oh fuck no. That was a test of my mad skillz yo! Apparently the clips sold well because they offered me a full time job as talent!
I met this chick with long black hair and again…an amazing rack who did the same thing to me…then I’m flying to LA, Las Vegas, Chicago, New York. I’m attending conventions…it’s amazing what happened to me over night. I called my parents and told them the news.
I was a little nervous I will admit but they were surprised but cool with it lol. And hey it’s still show biz after all.
Things were going awesome until we went on hiatus. I remember when the studio decided to ride things out by taking a break, they gave me a severance package which should have set me for life. It would have except for one thing… Hookers and Coke is fucking expensive as shit! Like super expensive.
I always find it funny that people made such a big deal about Charlie Sheen’s meltdown, especially the goddesses (since I railed Bree Olson way before he did… HOW ARE MY SLOPPIES CHARLIE?!) because while I didn’t broadcast my meltdown on USTREAM weekly, I still managed to fuck shit up pretty good.
I OD’d 3 times, had to be bailed out of jail at least 6 times by Bobby, crashed on his couch more times then I can remember. I finally found myself with no money, no hoes and no blow. So I wandered the streets until I got arrested behind a dumpster… behind a gas station… getting humped by a group of cats… Yeah fuck your rock bottom.
While I’m sitting in jail I had a few months to think about some shit, ya know, in between shanking motherfuckers who eye ball me wrong and starting riots. When I left the only person who came to pick my dumb ass up was Bobby, he got me cleaned up and put my furry ass in rehab (again) but this time was different. I had something to work towards.
Bobby promised me that if I took this rehab thing seriously I could have my job back. I could be MR. CUDDLEZ again and not just some smelly ass bear who gets fucked by cats for quarters. So I did and here we are, doing a damn radio show where sexy ass ladies come in and do crazy shit! I started to work out, changed my hair style and embraced my inner bad bear! I’m ready to fuck shit up again… So lets get this shit going!